


The Inspector's Alphabet

by theoreticallychaotic



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Can we have Quast sing this too, Gen, Humor, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-07
Updated: 2013-12-07
Packaged: 2018-01-03 22:05:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1073594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theoreticallychaotic/pseuds/theoreticallychaotic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Javert-based reworking of the song 'The Misogynist Alphabet'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Inspector's Alphabet

**Author's Note:**

> 'The Misogynist Alphabet' is one of five songs that Philip Quast sang as part of a compilation of work by Jason Carr, and features on the album Listen Up! I appreciate the song may not be widely known - and it's a shame it's not - but I hope the parody is enjoyable nevertheless

** The Inspector’s Alphabet **

Callous convicts stand and heed  
You must learn my A B Cs…

A is for the anger in your eyes,  
B is for bread – you stole supplies.  
C is the convict you’ve become.  
D sees danger, on the run.  
E is for the evil of your sin,  
F is the forgiveness you won’t win.  
G is for gaol where we met  
And that’s how I begin the Inspector’s alphabet.

H is for habitation –   
I put men in incarceration.  
J is Javert – pay attention!  
K is for keys thrown away,  
L means law – you’ll obey!  
M is the Mayor; I’ve seen him before.  
N – my nightstick – will hit you to the floor  
And thus I’ll carry on the alphabet tour. 

O! – He’s free!  
Find him p-lease!  
Q now while I enquire  
R you him? I won’t tire.  
S-cape is dire!

T is the turmoil in my mind;  
U – The underlings – have me bind.  
V is Valjean; he’s set me free.  
I will double you with my knee!  
X-sistance; I can’t go on.  
Y? I’ve been beaten by Jean Valjean.  
Z is the zenith from which I plummet  
And that’s how I conclude the Inspector’s alphabet.

**Author's Note:**

> ...and the original lyrics:
> 
> Learned ladies – take your ease!   
> Lesson number four is just you’re A B Cs...
> 
> A is for the Amazon that lurks in you.   
> B is for the Beauty that still shines though.   
> C, my Cherub, means you’re Clothed in Couture.  
> D says your Demeanour is Demure.  
> E is for the Education you don’t need.  
> F denotes the Fantasies that you Feed.  
> G is for the Glamour Guys wanna get.  
> And that’s how we begin the misogynist alphabet.
> 
> H is for the Hesitation that allures.  
> I is for the ego that’s mine, not yours.  
> J explains the Jezebel in your eyes.  
> K means Kama Sutra – memorise!  
> L is for the locomotion in your gait.  
> M means Mother Mine will you be my Mate?  
> N says that I’m hooked now I’m in your Net.  
> And thus we carry on the misogynist alphabet.
> 
> O! – no other  
> Has got what you got, sister or mother!  
> Unlike the Lorelei in the Rhine did,  
> Make sure your P’s and Q’s will be minded.  
> R you aware  
> S-ential information is yours to share?
> 
> T is for the Tupperware that you could buy.  
> U reveals the Undies that grace your thigh.  
> V unveils a Virgin, timid and true.  
> Stuff your virgin, I want double you!  
> X is for the rating that you give my mind.  
> Y proclaims your Youth ‘cos man’s love ain’t blind.  
> Z – the Zodiac you read and regret.  
> And that’s how we conclude the misogynist alphabet.


End file.
